O Cursed Squid!

Loyal is currently suffering through the exhausting ordeal of food poisoning. It is a revolting illness. Faced with the threat of food poisoning or the flu, Loyal would tell Torquemada, Tom DeLay, and Tony the Tiger anything they wanted to know. There is simply nothing like the absolute sheer loneliness of it--it's an existential disease. Firstly, one cannot suffer food poisoning in the company of others. The company of others merely exacerbates the symptoms of the disease--talking is impossible. Moving is impossible. Imperceptible thoughts are impossible. Furthermore, the disease takes so long that while one is still in the throes of it, everyone else has gone to bed. So there one is, feeling hopeless, ashamed, and exhausted. Stuck in the primeval glop. Wishing that somewhere a neutron bomb has one's name on it. And the gnawing, burning, heavy feeling in one's stomach. And it does not end. Ever. Time is refracted by one's stomach--or the lead weight that has replaced it. It's like being stuck in a tunnel. Like watching "Ishtar"--it's not as bad as death, but the unpleasantness ebbs and flows and does so so slowly that one begs for rescue. But no rescue comes. Loyal hates these kinds of sicknesses. Loyal hates restaurants that don't cook their squid. Loyal called up the owner of the restaurant and started off very politely but yet somehow ended up saying some very nasty things and then hanging up the phone. Food poisoning does this to Loyal. The endless dripping of discomfort, like drops through a filter, makes Loyal frantic like a caged animal. Every moment is a stab. Loyal does feel grateful that Loyal has been able to sample so much of Loyal's city's gourmet delights without sickness. Then again, Loyal has always been very careful about choosing restaurants. Loyal is very upset to have been misled by Zagat's, the city paper of record, word of mouth, and the reputation of the neighborhood.

But Loyal has had time to think while clutching L.O.'s crucifix and praying for release. Look, and try it for yourselves:

You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

Though Loyal thinks F451 refers to more than one, if it be just one, then Loyal would pick Homer's The Illiad. After all, this was a book meant to be declaimed--it was a story told before it was a story written. And, anyway, it encapsulates all the messy emotions of humanity. It captures the feverishness of war, of nationalism, of love, of envy, of pride. It revels in the conflicted, ambiguous, fractured nature of being a person. It counsels against war and yet, knowing that such ideas are destructive and ripe for corruption and abuse, it also casts its lot with the ideals of honor, dignity, of having a code--and saying contradictions be damned. The Illiad is just so darned fun. That's why L.O. would love to declaim it. It's the sort of hogwash and craziness that L.O adores!

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Yes. For years L.O. harbored fantasies of meeting and falling in love with Gregor Samsa. What a catch!

The last book you bought is?

Kurt Vonnegut's Slapstick

What are you currently reading?

L.O. is currently immersed in rereading Ann Wroe's Pontius Pilate. It is a fascinating book, written by a member of the British editorial staff of The Economist. Ann Wroe does not simply write about Pontius Pilate's life, the historical details of which are sparse. She writes about why the dearth of historical details about his life has ceased to matter. She examines the Pilate story from many angles. It is a very sympathetic, but never hagiographic or apologetic, treatment of a man whose fate it was to be forever condemened in history's eyes for refusing to be more than what he was.

Five books you would take to a deserted island:

Hmmm. Of course, it always changes. For now, L.O. will limit this to books L.O. has read--and expand the definition to include plays and graphic novels.

#1: The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemingway. L.O. has a profound connection to and real love for this novel. L.O. takes it everywhere, without fail, whenever a permanent or semi-permanent change of scene is to take place. L.O. would not want to be without L.O.'s battered old copy.

#2: Collected Works of Robert Frost, Louis Untermeyer, ed. Even though L.O. has great affection for T.S. Eliot, there is a certain inaccessiblity to him that L.O. cannot forgive. But this particular book has been with L.O. since the age of 8 and has grown richer throughout the years as L.O. has progressed from admiring the beauty and the structure to probing the meaning of this dark, and yet hopeful poet whose connection to the earth and to life is profound and electric.

#3: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. It never fails to cheer L.O. up--and being on a desert island would necessitate that at times.

#4: The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Waterson. This wonderful comic compilation which has color Sunday drawings has more pathos and human warmth than most novels or plays. L.O. was a kid like Calvin and is trying to be more like Hobbes.

#5: Last but not least. Italian Folktales by Italo Calvino. These are stories largely from the sunbaked, cracked soil of Southern Italy. They take place amidst hardship, with lowly characters, yet are filled with humor and hope.

Loyal is sure the list will change---but most of those would stay regardless. Loyal wishes you all a very good evening, and hopes that each next second will pass ever more quickly than the last.